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4 Years ago today

Bassbob

Bassbob

Emissary
My little brother, over a year sober, takes some pills he thinks are anti-depressants and dies of a Fentanyl overdose setting in motion a chain of events that would change mine and my family's lives forever.

April 18 2017- Brother dies.

April 20th- A lifelong family friend who also works with me takes over my truck while I'm out on bereavement leave. Him and my laborer go to a job I had started on the 18th in a horrible neighborhood in North St. Louis. Both are shot to death. I get the phone call literally as I am cleaning my brother's bodily fluids off his living room floor.

April 30th- The Big River watershed receives 12" of rain in 2 days breaking river levels set in 1903 by 4'. My house which has never flooded now floods. We lose most of our possessions and my house is nearly destroyed. We spend the next 6 months living in a friend's basement while I spend every evening and weekend gutting and rebuilding. I had to take out a $40,000 loan to rebuild. And that was with me doing all the work.

May 15th one of my close friends is working on a wood chipper. It explodes sending the grinding mechanism through his chest, killing him instantly.

June 5th my 5 months pregnant daughter is rushed to the hospital for an emergency C- section and gives birth to a baby girl, Evalynn Kay. She lives 36 hours and dies. A month later she and her husband separate and eventually divorce.



This is a really crappy time of the year for us.
 
There are never any " right " words in response to things such as you went through Bob , yet we as concerned humans still try. I know I don't have the the words other than to say I am sorry for you having to go through this painful memory every year at this time.

The pain will start to lessen at some point in time but you will still have the good memories you forged with your family and friends.
 
Bassbob, the reason I can not say anything but sorry to hear that is because when I was younger I had a daughter die. at the funeral everyone kept saying "I know how you feel". I was to the point I finally said to someone that the next person who says that is going to be missing teeth. They do not know how I feel because they are not me. They said "they are saying that because they do not know what else to say".
Many years have passed and I have often thought about that. I concluded that while it may seem insensitive or generic, it certainly is not intended as either, when I or someone just says " I am sorry to hear that."
Just food for thought for you and others when dealing with someone during tough times or bad memories.
 
Dang it Bob, I'm sorry to hear about all your losses that happened in such a small amount of time. I thought my losses were bad, where as I lost someone close to me every four years or so starting in 1966 until about 1983. Besides Grandparents, Uncles & Aunts, I lost both my Mother and Father during this period (when I was 17 and 24 years old respectively). In May of 2015, I lost my best friend (more like a brother), and very dear friend, 2 weeks apart, and my Brother-in-Law April of 2018. In the past, I felt sorry for myself, until my best friend (mentioned above), once told me he lost both his parents between his birthday, at ages 15 & 16. I found that no matter how bad my misfortune was, there was someone always out there that had gone through worse.
Again, my condolences Bob.
 
Bassbob adding a "like" or "sad" to your original post just wouldn't seem appreciate to me. Your personal losses are more than anyone should bear. I hope your faith has allowed you to find the strength to make it through each day. I lost my wife last year after 45 years. God doesn't give you a lot of answers, but you and I are still here and maybe in the scheme of things that's part of the plan. God bless.
 
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Recusant said:
Bassbob adding a "like" to your original post just wouldn't seem appreciate to me. Your personal losses are more than anyone should bear. I hope your faith has allowed you to find the strength to make it through each day. I lost my wife last year after 45 years. God doesn't give you a lot of answers, but you and I are still here and maybe in the scheme of things that's part of the plan. God bless.
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Sorry to hear about the loss of your wife Recusant.
 
To all: We all have some good times in our lives, and some bad times, sometimes even worse than others. And we all have to deal with each of them a little differently. I think in the end it all comes down to this quote ........

"You will never get over it, but you can get through it. Best of luck in the future."

unknown
 
No words can be said to assuage that sort of loss and the grief you must have experienced, and I am sure you are still going through. I can only extend deepest condolences for what little comfort that may bring. No one should have to experience such a tremendous amount of loss, let alone in such little transpired time. I am humbled and honored to have even shared words with someone who could endure so much and continue on.

Sincerely,
Dave.
 
I feel a little silly now for starting this thread. I appreciate all you guys' kind words, I really do. I didn't start the thread so I could make you guys post an uncomfortable response. I completely understand that it's difficult or impossible to know what to say to someone when these things happen. I am personally horrible at that. When my father in law was dying, he knew he was dying and he would talk to me about it. I never knew what to say to him.

It's been 4 years and the pain and grief does and has dulled. I suppose I just wanted to share a strange day with some of my friends. And yeah, I am misanthropically inclined and I am more comfortable interacting with people here than I am in real life. Particularly about anything I actually care about.

I appreciate you all indulging me. I spent the day gutting my brother in law's bathroom ( actually we started last night).
Today i replaced a large section of the floor ( holy crap plywood is ridiculously expensive), removed a wall, built a temporary support wall and built a header. Tomorrow after work I'll sweat a bunch of pipe, move a tub drain and get ready to install the new tub. My brother in law and his wife are both big and I reckon they were doing some sort of activity in the shower together and cracked the floor/base of the tub/shower surround that was in there. This tub will be installed with their weight in mind. I learned a trick. You use thinset under the tub and gently set it down in it and let it cure that way the center of it, where the feet aren't, is supported. I could easily design a much better fiberglass tub. It seems stupid to me to have the void underneath for the drain and only support the tub itself with 4 or 6 "feet". Why not just leave a space right where the drain is and let the rest of the tub rest right on the floor. If you have a solid floor you could put 15 dancing obese midgets in there and it would be just fine. :)


Anyway, I didn't mean to be a downer and I kept myself busy enough today that I didn't think much about it.

Bright sides. My house is no longer the way someone else wanted to build it and it is now how my wife and I designed and rebuilt it. Which is a dramatic improvement. Also my daughter is now engaged to a great guy who isn't a piece of crap. So life is still good my friends.
 
Another really cool thing. My sister lost her daughter to a heroin overdose about 10 years ago. Her other daughter is studying forensics at SIUE. She is also one of the top goal scorers in the NCAA women's soccer program. Last night her team defeated SEMO in the Ohio Valley Conference championship game. So they will go to the big show in North Carolina this year. My niece is the only SIUE player to ever be named a player of the year ( Forward).

They won the game last night in overtime in a strange way. My niece is always very well covered and gets knocked around a lot. In the first overtime period she found herself in the box with the ball and one of the opposing backs dropped hard on her with her knee, intentionally trying to hurt her. Foul in the box means penalty shot, which went in for the championship point. :)

She gets her bachelors degree in December and she red shirted her sophomore year so she could stay and play another year, they will pay for her school ( She is there on a full 5 year scholarship). She is also regularly approached by pro scouts. She turned them all down. She is there for school and has no intention of playing soccer after this fall season is over. She will be interning for the FBI this summer and is ready to go to work making some good money. Pro female soccer players don't make much.
 
Bassbob said:
I feel a little silly now for starting this thread. I appreciate all you guys' kind words, I really do. I didn't start the thread so I could make you guys post an uncomfortable response. I completely understand that it's difficult or impossible to know what to say to someone when these things happen. I am personally horrible at that. When my father in law was dying, he knew he was dying and he would talk to me about it. I never knew what to say to him.

It's been 4 years and the pain and grief does and has dulled. I suppose I just wanted to share a strange day with some of my friends. And yeah, I am misanthropically inclined and I am more comfortable interacting with people here than I am in real life. Particularly about anything I actually care about.

I appreciate you all indulging me. I spent the day gutting my brother in law's bathroom ( actually we started last night).
Today i replaced a large section of the floor ( holy crap plywood is ridiculously expensive), removed a wall, built a temporary support wall and built a header. Tomorrow after work I'll sweat a bunch of pipe, move a tub drain and get ready to install the new tub. My brother in law and his wife are both big and I reckon they were doing some sort of activity in the shower together and cracked the floor/base of the tub/shower surround that was in there. This tub will be installed with their weight in mind. I learned a trick. You use thinset under the tub and gently set it down in it and let it cure that way the center of it, where the feet aren't, is supported. I could easily design a much better fiberglass tub. It seems stupid to me to have the void underneath for the drain and only support the tub itself with 4 or 6 "feet". Why not just leave a space right where the drain is and let the rest of the tub rest right on the floor. If you have a solid floor you could put 15 dancing obese midgets in there and it would be just fine. :)


Anyway, I didn't mean to be a downer and I kept myself busy enough today that I didn't think much about it.

Bright sides. My house is no longer the way someone else wanted to build it and it is now how my wife and I designed and rebuilt it. Which is a dramatic improvement. Also my daughter is now engaged to a great guy who isn't a piece of crap. So life is still good my friends.
Click to expand...
On your personal feelings and words? Is okay. No issues on my end. We all have different ways and needs sometimes. I personally dislike grief counseling, chatting and sitting with others with similar loses, While maybe fine for some people, but found for me it was almost more like pouring salt on an open wound. I didn't and don't need that depressing scenario. Cure, if any? It takes time. Sometimes more than others, usually the more loved, usually the longer. We all have our own paces.

On the remodel? Have done a few. Always fun stuff. Thinset under tub/shower enclosures is always a good idea. Some enclosure use preinstalled foam. Thinset's better, mortar works. Do not use drywall mud. Works, but can disintegrate if gets too wet. Usually double up on joists underneath too. Helps protect against sudden urges and extra weight? :) Tubs are better set with ledger boards under tubs outer rim for extra support too. Have sweated enough pipe/tube too. Lot of tricks there. Am thinking of using plastic PEX tubing in the future for water supply instead of copper though. Longer runs, less joints. Plus soft and hard copper prices aren't really coming down any. Take care.
 
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