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JOKES!!!!!

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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "

The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too. "

The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. "

" Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "

The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "

" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "

The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
 
PepperGuy said:
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
Click to expand...

I must be old, then. No matter how well I empty my bladder before turning in to bed, I am always up 3-4 hours later having to empty my bladder again. Then again another 3-4 hours later.
 
The Importance of Walking

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good, doesn't he?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
 
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