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JOKES!!!!!

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Wirenut said:
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Darryl is the world's reigning social distancing champ.

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Electric fence 101

>>
>> If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has
>> one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but
>> 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
>>
>>
>>
>> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
>> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in
>> the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got
>> an electric fence and ran a single wire along the fence top.
>>
>> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
>> made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground
>> rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is
>> the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
>> fence works.
>>
>> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp
>> big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in
>> the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I
>> pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to
>> throw it out of the way.
>>
>> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>>
>> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
>> right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.
>> Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery
>> and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
>>
>> Time stood still.
>>
>> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the
>> front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
>> the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
>> time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark
>> in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
>>
>> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ****
>> lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
>> impulses.
>>
>> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
>> beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
>> bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
>> It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping
>> along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
>> your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between
>> but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust
>> pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>>
>> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
>> holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
>> palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all
>> about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of ****
>> chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts
>> and just kinda tickled.
>>
>> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
>> now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
>> river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have
>> to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
>>
>> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>>
>> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into
>> a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower
>> race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my
>> chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But
>> nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
>> remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
>> the go command from its owner's right foot.
>>
>> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
>> standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
>> take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids
>> to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
>>
>> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
>>
>> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
>> beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
>> sunburned./*____
>> */There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
>> standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire
>> had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
>> assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
>> had somehow let go of the wire.
>>
>> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
>> things:
>>
>> 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
>>
>> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
>> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>>
>> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell
>> as bad as you might think.
>>
>> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>>
>> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>>
>> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think
>> our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
>> because it was better than new after that.
>>
>> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
>> foot long.
>>
>> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
>> thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>>
>> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
>> things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
>> triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>>
>> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
>> fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do
>> to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
>> which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
tomson said:

Electric fence 101

>>
>> If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has
>> one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but
>> 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
>>
>>
>>
>> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
>> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in
>> the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got
>> an electric fence and ran a single wire along the fence top.
>>
>> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
>> made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground
>> rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is
>> the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
>> fence works.
>>
>> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp
>> big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in
>> the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I
>> pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to
>> throw it out of the way.
>>
>> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>>
>> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
>> right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.
>> Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery
>> and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
>>
>> Time stood still.
>>
>> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the
>> front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
>> the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
>> time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark
>> in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
>>
>> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ****
>> lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
>> impulses.
>>
>> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
>> beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
>> bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
>> It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping
>> along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
>> your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between
>> but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust
>> pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>>
>> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
>> holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
>> palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all
>> about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of ****
>> chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts
>> and just kinda tickled.
>>
>> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is
>> now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
>> river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have
>> to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
>>
>> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>>
>> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into
>> a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower
>> race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my
>> chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But
>> nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
>> remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
>> the go command from its owner's right foot.
>>
>> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
>> standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
>> take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids
>> to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
>>
>> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
>>
>> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
>> beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
>> sunburned./*____
>> */There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
>> standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire
>> had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
>> assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
>> had somehow let go of the wire.
>>
>> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
>> things:
>>
>> 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
>>
>> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
>> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>>
>> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell
>> as bad as you might think.
>>
>> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>>
>> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>>
>> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think
>> our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
>> because it was better than new after that.
>>
>> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
>> foot long.
>>
>> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
>> thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>>
>> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
>> things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
>> triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>>
>> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
>> fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do
>> to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
>> which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Lol, hard to read when your eyes are watering from laughing so hard! 😎
 
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