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JOKES!!!!!

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said . . ."Paint my house."
 
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Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
 
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural West Virginia on
the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

... The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsman like act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen
throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said; "...Well, we were married for 42 years.”
 
A man and woman were laying in bed one night watching TV . All of a sudden the woman felt her husbands hand slowly tracing the outer part of her thigh Then he moved to the inner part of her thigh and she began to get aroused. The next thing she knew he had started feeling of her other thigh on the outside and then tracing along the inner part . She began to moan a little as he started tracing a line up beside her stomach and on up towards her breast . She was really getting turned on now when all of a sudden he stopped.

She turned to her husband and asked why he had stopped.

His reply ..... " I found the remote.
 
papa said:
A man and woman were laying in bed one night watching TV . All of a sudden the woman felt her husbands hand slowly tracing the outer part of her thigh Then he moved to the inner part of her thigh and she began to get aroused. The next thing she knew he had started feeling of her other thigh on the outside and then tracing along the inner part . She began to moan a little as he started tracing a line up beside her stomach and on up towards her breast . She was really getting turned on now when all of a sudden he stopped.

She turned to her husband and asked why he had stopped.

His reply ..... " I found the remote.
Click to expand...
One time the wife was asleep in her chair. I'm frisking her all over when she wakes up. WHAT R U Doing???????
Looking for the remote. Her, reaching in between the cushions, "HERE!"
No moaning to it..... none at all!!
True Story.....
 
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