JOKES!!!!!
- Thread starter TEXASforLIFE
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Bloodknight
Master Class
TEXASforLIFE
SAINT
I got edited, some get passed the editing. Oh well.
SMSgtRod
Professional
This was from a kid on David Letterman one night.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?
My d*a*m foot is caught in the door!
Or this works too..... of course then it's a
Moderator/Admin decision.
The site I moderate it's ok as it's adults only
What gets the hook is racist and such comments.
Flaming members gets sent to a special place.
TEXASforLIFE
SAINT
!!!!!
Annihilator
Emissary
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
"That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
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Emissary
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Bob decided to choose the latter.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob finally recovered!! Outraged, he headed back to the woods, found the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him sadly and said "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob finally recovered!! Outraged, he headed back to the woods, found the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him sadly and said "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Emissary
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
Annihilator
Emissary
A farmer got pulled over by a Texas State Trooper for speeding. The Trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The Trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's @$$?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's @$$." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.
Annihilator
Emissary
Annihilator
Emissary
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded, Whats the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked,Does she still have the hiccups?
After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded, Whats the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked,Does she still have the hiccups?
Annihilator
Emissary
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little,"
she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little,"
she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Annihilator
Emissary
One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-75.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didnt want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldnt give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didnt have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, Just go on and take me to jail..... theres no way in the world that I can pass that test.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didnt want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldnt give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didnt have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, Just go on and take me to jail..... theres no way in the world that I can pass that test.
TEXASforLIFE
SAINT
I said the alphabet backwards for a sobriety test 2 nights in a row for the same LEO and he was at awe!
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