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JOKES!!!!!

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man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband "it is 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know".

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
 
A state trooper stops an elderly woman for speeding. When contacting her the trooper is informed she is a staunch supporter of the police. She advised I even buy tickets to the policeman's ball every year. The young trooper advised, "Ma-am, I am a state trooper and we don't have any balls". Realizing what he said, he lets the lady go with a warning. :) :)
 
Susquash said:
A state trooper stops an elderly woman for speeding. When contacting her the trooper is informed she is a staunch supporter of the police. She advised I even buy tickets to the policeman's ball every year. The young trooper advised, "Ma-am, I am a state trooper and we don't have any balls". Realizing what he said, he lets the lady go with a warning. :) :)
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One of my brothers is a ret'd LEO. The other brother is a ret'd firefighter, and has told that joke to the LEO brother numerous times, lol. :)
 
This is not a joke, but rather a true story:

Years ago (late 70's time frame), we were taking military hops on the weekends from Norfolk NavBase (where our ship was sent for two months) to Chasn, SC, which was our homeport where our families were. Anyway, we were riding in Air Force C-141's, and sometimes (always) were loud. There were earplugs provided by the plane's crew members if you wanted them, and they were basically a waxy material, and packaged in a paper packet. You rolled them to fit in your ear.

The Ensign who was our division officer ended-up sitting next to me on one particular flight. We'd been in the air for just a short while, and he nudged me on the arm and stated that he appreciated the flights we were getting, but the free chewing gum the Air Force provided had no taste at all. I asked him what gum? He said the gum the airman gave him when he got on the plane. 🤔
 
Another true story related to me by a salty old State Trooper Sergeant. Late one night the Sgt. and a Cub (rookie trooper) were checking out a steamed up car parked in an out of the way boat launch. They lit up the car and contacted the partially clothed young couple. The cub hollered, "Seconds". The Sgt. told them to get their clothes back on. He told the young man to then come back to the cruiser.

The young man walked back to the cruiser. The Cub said to the the youngster, "I bet I scared you when I yelled "Seconds". Without missing a beat the young man said, "Yes sir, I have never had relations with a trooper before." Needless to say the Cub was a bit upset and the old Sgt. could not stop laughing. :LOL:
 
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a grizzly bear to their respective religion.

A few weeks later, they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."

The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the Bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized next week."

The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone, several deep cuts and black eyes. The rabbi says,"You know what? Looking back, maybe starting with circumcision was a mistake!"
 
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
 
Wirenut said:
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Well maybe this one would be easier. Thanks, Ralph!

Appalachian Guerrillas.jpg
 
A man decides he wants to be a farmer so a friend tells him he needs some animals. The man goes to an old farmer and asks if he has anything for sale , The old farmer says he has a rooster he will sell. The man says ok and pays the farmer. Old farmer tell the man you should call the Rooster a Cock to be correct . So the man heads down the road with his Cock to another farm. There he buys a hen chicken . This old farmer tells him to call the hen a Pullit and again he says ok. So he heads to another farm where he buys a Donkey. The farmer tells the man to call the Donkey an Ass. Then the farmer tells the man there is one draw back to this Ass. He will get tired and sit down and the only way to get him back up and going is to scratch him behind the ear.

Well the man puts the Cock under one arm , the Pullit under the other arm and starts down the road , leading his Ass . He goes a fair ways when all of a sudden the Ass sits down right in the middle of the road. He can't reach the Ass's ear to scratch it and he doesn't want to let the Cock and Pullit go for fear of them running off.

In the distance he sees two women coming who turned out to be Nuns . When the Nuns reach the man they ask if they can help him. He says , " Well if you will hold my cock and pullit while I scratch my ass...."
 
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the
little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a
wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I
want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At
the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect
little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as heck
can't wear glasses."
 
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck and her son, Little George, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little George could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Jane, called Little George's mother and said, "Esther, your bean were delicious as usual but what did you put in them this time?"

Esther replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Jane, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."
 
There were these three guys who like to go deer hunting every year. So they hire a guy to fly them to this remote forest. They all split up to do their hunting, have a successful day, and meet back at the plane each carrying a buck. Well, they loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."

Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we caught the same amount last year, and we got off the ground no problem."

So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground. But then the plane started to make some strange noises, and it crashed in the woods.

The next thing they knew, the three men and the pilot were in the middle of the plane wreckage, but in relatively good health. One of the men asked, "Any idea where we are?"

The other man said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."
 
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
 
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